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12 April 2009 @ 04:47 pm
i am finally seeing i was the one worth leaving  
my sister julia called me today and she complained that she doesn't know what's going on in my life because i never write here anymore. i'm not very close to a lot of people, and i don't really disclose a lot even to those i am. not so much out of a desire for secrecy but more because i just don't communicate well. i am bad at interaction and there are a lot of things i don't know how to say so i just don't say them. i've been meaning to update more often, i've started countless entries, but my intentions and thoughts always change before i finish and the entire thing becomes invalid and i lose interest.

this is the part where i fall apart.

i am not good at endings. they are my downfall, and as excited as i am to finish school and get the heck out of here, i am even more terrified of what comes after and it makes the worst of my anxiety come out again. there is so much to worry about but at the same time so much to be happy about that i can't decide how to feel, so i exist on an emotional continuum. at any given moment i could be anywhere between cowering panic and complete elation and the next moment i could be somewhere else entirely. it's exhausting.

my last entry was also my last night of alcohol and cigarettes. i quit drinking, i quit smoking, i quit everything. it was rough for a while. i liked being drunk because it made me feel like i could interact with people normally, like i had regular social skills, and it made me stop thinking about certain things, if only for a while. but i relied on it too heavily, and if not quite an alcoholic, i was definitely on the road there.

i quit sex, too, though i had one setback with that. there's this boy, a coworker, who i've had a crush on since i first happened to cross his path in a hallway one day. i admired him from afar last summer, and eventually i started to express my interest in my usual way, by initiating awkward conversations and inviting him to join me in activities such as pretending to be a t-rex. by winter training, he finally started to notice me back. we started to talk constantly, and one night i went to visit him in his room and stayed there until morning. for a week and a half we had this strange sort of pseudo-relationship, until he broke up with me by saying i am completely awesome but he just can't invest the focus and emotion and attention a relationship would require. two weeks later he was in a relationship with another girl and they are still together. it still stings every time i see him.

i had a second relationship this semester that was even shorter and more of a joke. he's liked me for a while and i avoided getting close to him, but i liked having him as a friend and eventually i couldn't avoid it any more so i agreed to be his girlfriend. i spent the next week evading him until i finally told him i couldn't do it. he's sweet but so young and i am so cynical and easily annoyed.

i should know better than to waste time on attempting relationships. i don't know anything about intimacy and it seems the only people i'd like to attempt it with have no interest in putting up with me. i probably will just be a hermit.

most of my life, all i wanted was to not be such a social outcast, to relate to other humans and understand how they interact. now i have scores of people clamoring over me, and i hate it. i hate the forced interest, the false admiration, the empty conversation. i hate that they think i am some sort of novelty, that my neuroses are cute and not something that makes getting up every day a struggle. i've almost always kept myself fairly secluded, but right now it's more from a conscious decision rather than frustrations and circumstance.

it's not so bad anymore, though. i don't know where my life is going but i'm worrying less about it and looking forward to the adventure. i'm planning a sort of road trip this summer, to face some of my fears and practice stepping outside of what i've become comfortable with. and to spend time with people who i know are like me in some ways.
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: the postal service
Alethea: billinvadent on April 13th, 2009 06:05 am (UTC)
I am going on a road trip too! My sister and I are greyhounding it around the country for a month (on an adventure pass -that's what they call it however I concur)after we live in nyc for a month. We were supposed to move to nyc this fall but that has been postponed 2 years. It makes me feel better when I don't think about all the ways I could die before most of my dreams are born. (that sounded way morbid. I think I would have made a wonderful goth. Black does wonders for my figure.)

Also, what you said about being upset that people found your neuroses as an endearment instead of the cancer that it is to you made me think about this conversation I had with a friend once. We were good friends, both christians, and often went to church together. And I forget what led to this but we were talking once and I said, "Our imperfections are what make us beautiful." She really liked that because we were both messed up but ardently trying to be less so and it felt good for a minute to think that maybe a little good comes from all the pain we cause God and other people. Our pastor came by and she told him what I had said. He didn't say anything but I could tell that he disagreed. Really, I don't know if I agree. It was one of those things you just say when you're with friends and thoughts hit your lips at the same time as they hit your consciousness. Maybe it's not the sin that's beautiful but the struggle between everything that I am and everything that I want to be. Kind of like when someone dies poetically. Really its painful and gross and tearing the hearts of the living but in a still photograph in the hands of a removed observer, it's the perfect impression of a daisy in the billowing smoke of an extinguished match. And I guess none of this really means anything or has an intention other than a lot of things I can't articulate.

Sorry I write such long comments, it's probably more about me than you and that embarrases me.
General Bushytaildangerosive on April 13th, 2009 06:41 pm (UTC)
i like your long comments! it's nice to know that my entries inspire thoughts and recollections. i like the thought that our imperfections make us beautiful but i don't know how much i agree, either. i think definitely we were all made to be exactly what we were meant to be. i mean, god doesn't make mistakes and there's a reason we were made imperfectly. living through our flaws is our challenge in life.

or something.
(Anonymous) on April 14th, 2009 10:08 pm (UTC)
(lindsay, as usual) :)
i don't know if i am anti-social because of my social interaction problems, or if it's the other way around. i honestly don't like being around more than two or three people (98% of the time), but i wish i did. or could be.
Samcrazy_clari_27 on April 16th, 2009 03:26 am (UTC)
I never check LJ anymore but probably will now because I built a home here, but on another name.

Rather than write something profound and meaningful, I am going to just be nosy and demand to know who these fellas are. Even though I am fairly certain I know who they are. I have always had a sense for these things, since we first met, or since before we met maybe because the person I am referring to is the one who brought us together.

You don't have to tell me about your life but I am glad it is out of just not saying things instead of a desire for secrecy, because even when I barely see you or talk to you I kind of tend to know what's going on anyway.
(Anonymous) on April 22nd, 2009 07:29 pm (UTC)
hey hey hey...
Yeah girl - I think about you too! I was excited to see your last entry after so long with no news. And I love to read how you can put your crazy life into such eloquent writing. As you can see you're not alone in feeling alone - even Karla stresses about 'fitting in' with our snooty neighbors, something I never think about. Somewhere, somehow, I developed this 'I don't really care what they think of me' attitude and my life has been so much easier since. I have no problems appoaching people anymore, even those who tend to get under my skin. My problem is still linked to the inferiority complex from never sticking with my education.
My buddy is lending me his copy of the local college catalog so I can get a feel for what is available and how to proceed. My next step is to talk to an advisor to determine what options could work best for me. I really want to better myself now - but finding and keeping that determination have never been my strong points. I'll keep you updated - probably on the other site. And let me know if you ever get on the 'old-folks' site (facebook) and I'll link you up.
capricia85capricia85 on May 3rd, 2009 06:22 am (UTC)
Yeah so this comment is soooo late in coming, but I agree. Just look at life as an adventure, and keep moving forward...because life will take you there if you want it or not. Look at it this way...you can embrace what you have and the leasons you've learned, or you can hope for something else and end up in a Labyrinth type situation. No one wants to be stuck looking for their younger sybling in a large labyrinth....so, go for! All in.