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General Bushytail
05 November 2008 @ 01:38 am
this is the third presidential election i have voted in, and the first one that has actually turned out the way i hoped. maybe it is a small thing for me, to feel as though i contributed and made a difference, but it is an enormous thing for all of us. when i think about it and read about it and hear about it, i could cry out of relief. we could change the world.
 
 
General Bushytail
it's my duty weekend, which means i get to hang around campus and sit behind the front desk for five hours tonight and again tomorrow night and stare at stuff. i'm pretty happy about this, really. i am tired of doing stuff. i am tired of being around people and inevitably feeling awkward. i would say that i'm tired of getting drunk and having sex, but i'm really not. i probably don't always make the best choices, but i just like sex too dang much.

this semester has been so up and down that i don't even know how to talk about it. it's kind of cool because i am somewhat famous and i like attention, but i also get sick of it pretty quickly. i'm ready to just hide away and sleep for a couple days. it's so tiring being likable all the time.

i mean. not that i am arrogant or anything. i am just awesome is all.
 
 
Current Location: crownhart front desk
Current Mood: sillysilly
 
 
General Bushytail
16 September 2008 @ 02:44 am
sometimes i like to sit outside in the middle of the night and feel like i am the only person existing in this moment. except for the clerk sitting in the gas station across the street.

there is a skunk who likes to run around the field behind my building. i like to sit on the bench and wait for him. sometimes he is there, sometimes he isn't. tonight he was.

maybe i am a little stupid. maybe i sometimes let my temper get the best of me and react badly to things. maybe i am never quite sure of what i'm doing. maybe sometimes i look back and think i could have handled certain situations better. but when i'm sitting outside, the only person in this one moment, everything else melts away and none of it matters. i build so many walls around myself that sometimes i lose sight, of people, of the world, of me, of even the walls. i am not as cynical and misanthropic as i claim, i am just tired, of being hurt.

i just want to be the best person that i can, in this life, right now. and it's difficult, because i am not entirely sure what i mean by that, and these walls are so dang hard to tear down.
 
 
Current Music: 3 pill morning
 
 
General Bushytail
15 September 2008 @ 12:20 am
i wish i could talk the way i write, the way i think things. when i speak, it all comes out so jumbled and messy. i stumble over my words and my intent and i just prove how inept i am at dealing with people.

tonight i went out to dinner and told a girl i cannot date her. it was painful to watch myself say these things in such an awkward way. the drive back to campus was very uncomfortable.

part of me thinks i should feel bad for shooting people down like this, but really i am just glad i don't have to deal with it anymore.

i'm probably too misanthropic to successfully date anyone.
 
 
Current Music: blaqk audio
 
 
General Bushytail
08 September 2008 @ 03:44 pm
i just dumped soup down my pants. it's an amazing sort of day.

today in painting class, george told me he had a gift for me. it was a cucumber. he grew it himself? it was nice, because i like cucumbers.

also in painting, someone came up behind me and tickled my sides. it was someone i know, but that didn't stop me from seizing up in panic and then crying. most people don't really understand how tenuous my control of myself is. i can calm the inner anxiety, but only as long as people don't provoke panic from the outside. and sometimes i wonder if they do it on purpose because they know (or can guess at) my fears. and it is funny to watch me have a panic attack?

i've swallowed too many worries and fears, and now my body is vomiting them out, along with everything else i've put in my belly. today i had nothing to vomit, so i swallowed pills. and i can't get over this: i take these pills, and they release that stranglehold of fear, and i can finally let myself be me and talk to me again. and i wonder if there is a way to permanently strip down that fear. i know what makes it so prominent, i am just not strong enough to face it. and what if i do, so what? it doesn't change anything that's happened. but i can't stop my mind from churning.

i am still trying to deal with people being in love with me. two have asked me out to dinner this week. i don't want to go out with them, but i still say i will, mostly because i want to show them exactly who i am right now. i don't know what people are finding in me or how they are seeing it, but it can't be what i feel is there. i am lost inside my life, and i can't figure how people expect to find a place with me when i don't even know where i am. i have to be blunt. i have to say, "i don't have room for you. i am still trying to find room for me."

where do people find the time to lead typical lives?
 
 
Current Mood: morosemorose
Current Music: ryanhood
 
 
 
General Bushytail
01 September 2008 @ 01:43 pm
i was going to go to the fair on friday, but i decided to sleep instead. i decided to sleep a lot this weekend, and i think it was a good choice.

i guess most of my residents have moved in, and i see them in the halls and sometimes i talk to a few of them. but the thing is, i kind of don't care. about them. at all. i mean, i do my job and help them when they need something, but i really don't care to pretend to be their friend.

my friend quota is full. seriously. there is no more of me to go around.

this is where my bipolar tendencies come in handy. i've circled back around to apathy and bitterness and a certain sense of detachment, when i don't really have a problem with saying, "yeah, i just don't want to spend any time with you." so, you know, that's actually working out pretty well for me.
 
 
Current Mood: groggygroggy
Current Music: regina spektor
 
 
General Bushytail
21 August 2008 @ 09:19 pm
i figured that going into this RA training would be a nice break from working 8 hours a day on summer staff. but apparently i figured wrong. i guess because i got offered this job at the last minute and had no idea what i was getting myself into? this is a demanding job, not quite so much physically, but in every other aspect. i work more and sleep less and most days i wish i was back with the summer staff, mindlessly toiling and not having to keep in mind about five million different things and trying to prepare my hall for the residents who are moving in next thursday.

i was pretty nervous at first, because i didn't think i would really get along well with the other RA's. i am not used to fitting in and being accepted and all that junk. i have met some pretty cool people, though. and some of them have firmly attached themselves to me. seriously. they want to spend every spare second together. i went home last weekend (because julia and dawn were up from california. hi guys!), and i kept receiving obsessive texts being all, "i miss your face, come back!" i don't know why it is that some people get so attached to me, but it freaks me out sometimes.

it has also come to my attention that two girls on the staff have become enamored with me. and...i am not really sure what to do about it. i will admit (to most people) that i like girls, but there are so many complications here and people are just going to end up getting hurt...since when did i become a heart-breaker?

and my friends from summer staff keep telling me how i am missed, and my friends from game are upset that i haven't been able to make it lately, and i don't even have time to give to sam. i am letting myself get pulled in too many directions again and i don't know how to stop it because i don't know how to let people down.

i am hoping things will calm down once school actually starts.

i did the ropes course last week. i was 35 feet in the air, harnessed to a guide-wire, walking across suspended logs and rope swings and crazy platforms. i had a major panic attack and almost choked on my fear, but i am pretty impressed with myself for actually doing it.
 
 
Current Mood: busybusy
Current Music: hawksley workman
 
 
General Bushytail
06 August 2008 @ 03:11 pm
i can't remember the last time i slept more than five hours in a day. lately it has been less. i am running myself ragged again, and for no good reason.

i work with these twins, who are pretty adorable. and saturday was their birthday, so we had a party. the kind of party that starts with a poorly-executed, drunken game of capture the flag, somehow turns into streaking down a deserted highway, and ends with you having sex on the front lawn of your friend's parents' house. so, a pretty decent party. i would have liked to sleep after that, but i'm pretty sure that as soon as i curled up on my chair to pass out, i was woken up so we could get on the road for the warped tour. fun morning, that one. i don't normally get carsick, but man, i was trying my best not to barf towards the end of that one. keifer got us a little lost and we literally drove around in circles, on and off ramps, and i wanted to die. the first couple hours of being there, i was a walking zombie of tequila-hangover and severe anxiety. but, it got better. i got some anxiety pills before going and took a couple of those, and the feeling of death wore off after a while. i even felt well enough to stand in the middle of a crowd all pressed up against strangers enjoying music and NOT having a panic attack!

i missed mc chris's show, though. i seriously cried. the schedule we got when first arriving was apparently wrong and he played four hours earlier than i thought. i still feel like crying when i think about it.

i have a phone that works again. yayness! people can actually call me, and they can hear what i'm saying! mike called yesterday, and when i answered he was like, "oh wow!" he knew my phone was broken, but he still kept calling all the time anyway. he is silly like that.

i had a pretty awful panic attack at work today. i think i am still all strung out from the weekend and also not sleeping. today i just want to sit in my room and do absolutely nothing. i might even just stare at the wall for some time.

oh, so my interview went rather well and i am an RA. it was nice because i didn't care whether or not i got the job and was able to be an ass while being interviewed. when asked what i could contribute to the staff, my response was, "my awesomeness." training for that shit starts next monday, so this is my last week of summer staffing. i am pretty bummed about that, because i take my job too seriously and feel like i am abandoning everyone. but i'm not gonna lie. training is going to be a whole heck of a lot easier than working my ass off cleaning and painting and moving crap.

mike keeps trying to convince me to date his roommate kyle. mostly so he can then make fun of me for dating kyle. not that he's a bad guy, just awkward and inept, even moreso than most people i hang out with. but sometimes i think, maybe i should date kyle. it might be better than being alone. having random sex on people's lawns is fun and all, but sometimes i just really want a regular, not-fucked-up relationship. but i don't think i'd even know how to do that.
 
 
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: jimmy eat world
 
 
General Bushytail
30 July 2008 @ 05:24 pm
me: i can't find my scissors.
adam: maybe you shouldn't have lost them.
me: i didn't LOSE them.
adam: then what happened to them?
me: someone ate them.
chentu: i'm sorry...did you just say that someone ATE your scissors?
adam: she's a little weird, but you get used to it after a while.

so i was walking to work the other day, and my head boss, the guy who doesn't work with us but tells us everything we have to do, who kind of scares the pee out of me, pulls up next to me, leans out, and says, "i've got a proposition for you." and i was like, "...ok." then he offered me a job, as a resident assistant. i guess someone dropped out, and he was all, "i asked myself who would make a good RA...and i told myself, SARA. that's you." so i have an interview on friday. i think it would be hilarious if i actually got the job. i would be a terrible RA. i don't know what he was talking about. i don't even like most RA's. they are kind of assholes, and i would have to spend like two weeks before school with all the rest of them, doing "team building exercises" and "role playing" and "shooting myself in the face."

if the interview goes well, i might do it, though. it's a free room.

we had a pretty great time in motley. kyle and i got too drunk and argued all night, about grammar? and probably other things. that is just how we have conversations. we usually have the same point, we just have to argue about it. the weekend also involved a drive to brainerd while the boys built a deck, a bonfire, and a whole mess of kitties. and i guess there was a pig race in a nearby town, but we did not attend.

so i think my cell phone has finally taken the damage from that time i dropped it in a glass of water. the microphone part is dead. everything else works fine, i just can't actually TALK to anyone with it. which i guess is an important part of a phone.

tomorrow for work, instead of doing, you know, actual work, we are going to valleyfair. yes, we are getting paid to go on rollercoasters and eat carnival food and possibly throw up. it should be a pretty sweet day.
 
 
Current Music: ratatat
 
 
General Bushytail
25 July 2008 @ 03:08 pm
me (shaking up a bottle of home-made energy drink): it's a bit chunky on the bottom.
devin: YOU'RE a bit chunky on the bottom.

george: you jiggle when you walk.
me: .....
george: i meant your boobs jiggle, but i thought that would be rude to say.

and these are a couple of my best friends.

i apologize for escaping into reality so much these days. i don't mean to ignore my imaginary life, i just get swept up sometimes. i'll make sure to write a bit more often. but not right now. now i am about to leave, not for motley crue, but for the town of motley, and my sister, and her puppy and kitties. yes!
 
 
Current Music: rise against