the week is nearly done and most of it is gone in a blur of sedatives, caffeine, and not enough sleep. i only had four exams, and three of them were on wednesday. three. i felt like a kangaroo mouse, hopping from room to test to room to book to test. i was delirious before the day was half done. but at the end of the third test i smiled and let the remnants of my brain melt away. i handed in my work and takeo asked if i wanted to get drunk that night, and i think we all know what the obvious answer was.

but besides my three tests of the day, i also had to work. though, i don't know if it's fair to call tutoring in the residence halls "work." mostly it involves me trying not to fall asleep. sometimes with a student in the room studying, but more often than not alone. i had to sit there until ten trying to amuse myself. it's an easy way to earn extra money, but not an interesting one.

i got hit on, on the streets outside the bars. he asked, "did you say hi to me?" but i hadn't, so he said, "i'm sorry, i have a thing for red-heads." he walked me to where i was going, but from four feet away. when i reached my destination, he stood outside sadly while i went in, and i felt a little bad, because it's nice to be escorted but i didn't want to invite him in.

the evening was all alcohol and cheesecake, and great discussions of culture, and swearing in every language we knew. we amassed quite the collection. then yea-sul decided she liked the taste of flesh and started biting people and i got to talk math with a friend who shared the agony of two of my tests. people i knew were everywhere, and some of them yelled at me for being gone so long. but then they bought me shots and said, "it's good to have sara back!"

i have yet to recover, from anything, but i feel amazing.

thursday was my roommate's birthday, so we went to a friend's apartment for grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. this is how we party, yo. i expected to stay just a short while and then come back here for some programming. but then all these bottles of liquor kept magically appearing, and i thought, "well, i can have a couple shots. i've been working real hard. i deserve it." of course, i forgot i had taken anti-anxiety meds earlier, so i was wasted after the first shot. and pretty much the next thing i know, ben and i are involved in some brilliant endeavor to see how fast we can down a bottle of tequila between the two of us (pretty fast), i am playing super mario world (surprisingly well) and swearing at EVERYTHING, and my roommate is just kind of bewildered. i was also drunk enough to think that eating all kinds of ice cream cake was the best idea ever. i guess i thought being drunk would cancel out my lactose intolerance? it didn't. the next day, i was quite shaky from all the booze and sick as hell from all the dairy. i had to fight real hard to not throw up in class. it was the best way to end the last week of class EVER.

so. i broke up with my boyfriend. i like him and all, but he likes me WAY MEGA TOTALLY and it got too overwhelming. i was just kind of testing this out, but i'm pretty sure he was already planning our wedding. it scared me. and i figured, better to get out now rather than wait until he proposed to be like, "yeah...so here's the thing."

i broke up with my boyfriend because he likes me too much. seriously. what a bitch.

i guess it's back to the original plan. marry sam, move to saskatoon, and raise a bunch of lesbian puppies and kittens.

when did i ever say i DIDN'T love the attention? i think that's been my point the entire time. but, like i said, you just read what you want to read and hear what you want to hear to make me into the person you want me to be. i suppose i could take a few lessons in maturity from you, though, and never actually confront people, just heckle them from afar. through the interweb. oh, wait, i guess i am pretty much doing exactly that RIGHT NOW. snap. maybe i'm sick of being mature about this crap. being an ass is way more fun. and by the way, i love your use of BOLD AND CAPITAL LETTERS to really get your point across.

and if it ticks you off so much that i'm an emo drama queen, um, stop feeding into it. cuz it's pretty much who i am. it's what keeps the fans coming back. you know, fans like you. morbidly fascinated by my train wreck of a life. because, of course, what i write in my shitty eljay is EXACTLY EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO ME EVER. go ahead and be happy you're not me. it don't bother me none. i'm pretty glad i'm not you. we can be mutually happy we're not the other! high fives all around.

the inane mindless drivel i post on my shitty eljay. right. the inane mindless drivel which you are so oddly compelled to obsess over. why the fuck do you still care? i certainly don't. i mean, it's entertaining and all to have you stop by all the time, but god, i am starting to feel bad for you. i wish you could just get over whatever it was that pissed you off about me in the first place, for your own sake. i still don't even know what it was, because good lord! you could never stoop down to my level to tell me. so you know what i did? i stopped caring about you. there is nothing left in my heart for you, not even hate, because it's just not worth the effort. there is not a single thing in your life that i care about. i don't care that you don't "suck up to people," i don't care that you're jealous of all the hot lesbian action i get, i don't care that you intentionally misinterpret everything i say, and i don't care that you hate me. you made that choice yourself, you're the one who has to live with it. i'm just saying, it's not good for anyone to carry so much hate.

i think anonymous came back, but it wasn't her usual, "YOU SUCK AT LIFE," it was kind of just a lame fat joke. cuz, you know, i'm a whale. oh snap. she's probably just upset because we happened to be at the same party last night and she had to see me being all kinda bubbly and happy. because, you know, i talk to people and have friends and don't sulk in corners. despite my overwhelming obesity.

sam and i did relay for life on friday, and even though we left four hours early (you're supposed to stay until 6 am, but screw that, we are old ladies, yo), i am still worn out. i have all kinds of homework to be doing, but i think a nap is more my style.

i want to write out my heart, but every time i try it doesn't come out right. not even my heart knows how to say it. and sometimes i hate this diary, because there are times that the things i say hurt you, and i don't mean to. and there are times when you worry about me and feel sad, and i don't want that, either. i just need someone to read my thoughts, even if you don't understand, just so i can be validated. so i can be more real. i like to imagine the different people who read my outbursts, and the different thoughts that get stirred in them, and then i can feel connected to the world and be better again.

some days it gets so bad i wish i could crawl into my mind and never come back out. and there is not a person or a thing that makes it bad. it's just me. i get so tired, from living in this body that i barely understand, and sometimes i give in and let myself be overcome by a sense of defeat. i'm so tired of fighting.

i don't want to see people. i don't want to talk to people. i don't want to be near another person. i'm tired of being complained to, of having everyone else's burden, of talking about things i don't care about. i'm tired of carrying your problems for you. just because it's easy to put them on me doesn't mean it's any easier for me to drag them around. i'm too sensitive to other people. and after too long, each presence is like a sword stabbing into the middle of me. this is why i am not a good person to live with. i start to resent everyone around me, just for being near me.

i'm tired tired tired. and there is never a chance to rest.

today is the day of silence and i am looking forward to not saying a word to anybody. i'm sick of talking and saying nothing important. i just want to shut up for a while and recollect myself.

the semester is winding down and i am floundering. it seems the harder i work, the less progress i make. i'm spending several hours every night writing and fixing god damn java programs that rarely work perfectly anyway, i'm turning in half-completed complex variables assignments, and most of the time i don't even bother going to my lit class because i have absolutely nothing of pertinence to say. i don't know why i'm an english minor, anyway. i kind of tend to hate literature classes.

i can't go to korea this summer, i can't go to disney (sorry lindsay), so i applied for a summer job on campus. i hope to hell i get it because i don't think i can stand another rejection letter.

i saw charles from japanese class yesterday. he asked how i was and i said, "trying hard not to kill myself." and he said, "well, good luck with that."

school is canceled today. on account of the blizzard. the blizzard that is happening in april. this is how awesome it is to live where i do.

i had an appointment with my advisor today, and i was also supposed to go to the residence life office to schedule an interview for next week, but i am not going outside. there are plenty of people out there, i can see them walking around, but i refuse to go on principle. the principle that it is april and there is a blizzard. today is a day for pajamas and staring out windows.

next wednesday is my birthday. my boyfriend is coming up to make me dinner that day. and then over the weekend he will take me up north so i can see my mumma. he is a really good boyfriend. he quite likes to leave hickies. massive, dark hickies across my whole neck. not that i am complaining, but it is a little embarrassing when i go to work and my boss thinks i'm injured and one of my regular students worries i'm in an abusive relationship.

it is still so surreal to hear myself use the phrase "my boyfriend." this is not something that comes easy to me. but i am liking it.

so james just texted me to tell me he IS AT HAWKSLEY RIGHT NOW. and it kind of makes me cry. or call him tt?

it's final. i will not be going to korea this summer. i got an email from the program and it was a "we regret to inform you" email. and i was sad but also relieved? i wanted to go, but not really enough. now i just have to figure out where to go from here. i could go home and hang out with my mom and liz, or i could stay here and hang out with sam and my boyfriend. i don't know which to do. i've never had so many people want me before! it's kind of overwhelming.

i might go to florida for a bit this summer, with frank and his family. because they are going and i am invited to go with. his parents are pretty much the nicest people in the world and i feel a little bit bad, just because they are SO NICE and i feel like i am not nice enough in return.

florida would be fun. and i could totally meet up with lindsay at disney world!

also, my roommate and i are residents of the month? for all our caring and participation in hall activities? i did go to part of a floor meeting that one time. i'm pretty sure they choose these things at random. because i am really not that caring.

i forgot to take my meds this morning. and i feel better than i have in a while.

so. my friend frank has turned into my boyfriend frank. i don't even know what to say about it besides that. i am still wary, but i'm feeling pretty good about it.

i'm joining a pen-and-paper rpg tonight. because i wasn't enough of a nerd already. i made my character yesterday (her name is mork!) and she is pretty amazing. she's a flight attendant.

it's kind of been a while and i'm sorry about that. i have been busy, yes, but as for ok, that one i'm not sure about. sometimes i feel pretty fine, but other times i get so lost that i don't even know how to describe how i feel. there is just so much going on, and it all collects in my head, but i don't even have time (or won't make time) to sit down and sort it all out. sometimes i feel like i'm going to collapse under the weight of it all.

so it's spring break right now. i just got back from chicago. i went with my roommate and two other korean girls. i was kind of deathly ill for the first couple days, but i got better. i mostly just went to museums and slept a lot. i got to see a bunch of dinosaurs in the field museum so i was happy. suji and i also managed to track down korea-town and eat in a korean restaurant, even though we walked about a million miles in the process and i am still limping because of it, but that made me super-extra-happy.

later today, sam and i are taking a mini road trip to go see my friend frank in his hometown. frank has basically been in love with me since the day we met, and that's yet another thing i don't know what to do about. it's not that i don't like him, i just don't know that i'm prepared to be in any sort of relationship. it's all kind of intense.

i've almost finished the first month of these pills that are supposed to make me not sad. i don't know that i will refill them. i don't think i like what they do to me.

i need to get dressed and pack again.

i hung out with sam on friday, as i do every friday. it is our date night. we went to a play on campus (it was about twincest?) and also did some shopping, since there is not much else to do around here. but we mostly go to, like, thrift stores, so even with my compulsive shopping habit, i don't really overspend my budget. mostly. I REALLY NEEDED SHOES AND THEY WERE ONLY TWELVE DOLLARS.

i suppose i didn't really need the combat boots, though.

we went to the hippie bread store, too, to buy spinach feta bread. it is basically the most delicious bread in the world. on our way back to the car, a couple of passing little punk kids called us lesbos. after all the hand holding, making out, and boob grabbing that no one cared about, we go buy spinach feta bread and suddenly we are lesbians. i guess we didn't need to try so hard!

i have two tests this week, but i'm not particularly worried about them. i am just so dang smart.

i pierced the inside of my ear on friday. probably not the best choice in timing, as i've been hanging out with my family quite a bit this week, and they are the hugging type. and they are SERIOUS about it. when they hug, they mean it. my poor ear was crushed to bits.

one kind of nice thing is i have an excuse to be depressed. people know my grandma died, and so they expect me to be sad and i can stop pretending that i'm not. and it's not that i'm NOT sad about my grandma, there is just all this other crap, too. yesterday i went to the clinic and saw a lady who gave me some pills that might make me less sad. she recommended that i also look into counseling, and julia is pretty adamant about that, as well. so i guess i will be doing that.

thanks for your notes, you guys.

more news: my grandma died last night. it's not as though it was a surprise, and it's not as though she has even been herself for a long time, and it's not as though it's the first time we've met death, and it's not as though she and i were close.

but it's still kind of crappy.

i haven't cried. i don't know if i will. if i do, it won't be for me or for her, but for my mom and my aunts and uncles.

today i was in the snack bar, looking for sam, and i saw this dude i know, so i kind of punched him in the back of the head. except it turned out to be some guy i do not know. i felt pretty awesome.

that is pretty much the biggest news i have right now. also, juno is a really good movie.

so, valentines. rather uneventful, as usual. i kind of got a ton of chocolate, though. my teeth hurt a lot BECAUSE I AM EATING TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE. also, kum hee stole me that night and finally took me to her house and fed me. she probably would have kept me there all night, but she is a psychotic history major and has to study like five hours every night. i really wouldn't mind living there, i just didn't find out about it at the right time.

went to planned parenthood on friday. got some free birth control pills AND free (multi-colored) condoms. i am well protected, you guys!

sam and i also found this strange "retro" store on friday. it was basically just a house? but it was amazing. i got this orange dress with while polka-dots. AND A MORK AND MINDY CARD GAME. fuck yeah. sam bought this dvd of nuclear-era informational videos entitled "venereal diseases and you." so we spent the rest of our friday night learning about syphilis and gonorrhea and seeing all kinds of festering penises.

also, i dyed my hair.

later tonight, we will go to a birthday party for randi bong. i imagine we may toast her a few times!

on my way to class this morning, i ran into dr rosenberg. he was like, "do you have class at noon? i'm free then, you know." so i went and hung out in his office at noon. he gave me some trail mix and we talked about stuff. graduate school and programming and stupid things. i need to go to his office more often. i used to hang out there pretty much every day. he's basically my favorite person on campus and i miss talking to him.

i performed a japanese dance at an elementary school tonight. with bri and nick and nicole. it's so nice to have it done, because we've been practicing after japanese class, which ends late enough as it is, and I AM AN OLD LADY. i need to be home at a reasonable hour. all this activity just leaves me cranky.

but our performance did not suck too badly, so that was pretty nice. and there was a free dinner afterwards.

though with all the hustle and bustle, i kind of forgot i have a complex variables assignment due tomorrow. screw you, school.

i am not feeling so great these days. i just took my laundry out of the dryer, and it is mostly dry, just ever-so-slightly damp and wrinkly. and it is so upsetting that i am on the verge of tears.

so i guess i have a new anonymous commenter? who likes to leave strangely poetic posts about xanax? or maybe the old anonymous is now on xanax? maybe that is why she hasn't been here in so long!

it seems i've sprained my ankle. but if you wanna know why, you're going to have to make up your own story, because i don't have the energy to make up an interesting lie. and i have no idea how it actually happened. you'd think this would be a plenty fine excuse to skip, but i actually sucked it up and went to class. i figured i should make at least one appearance at programming lab.

kumhee tried to kidnap me last night. i ran into her as she was about to go home, and she was like, "why don't you walk me downstairs, to say goodbye?" then when we were downstairs, she was like, "why don't you walk me to the door?" and when we were at the door, she said, "how about you walk outside just a little bit?" and when we were outside, she said, "don't you want to see my house?" she probably would have eventually gotten me to move in with her, but i found a set of car keys on the ground and had to bring them inside to someone, so she went home alone. i would move in with her, but i kind of already have an obligation. so she is mad at me.

there is this older lady who always comes into the math lab while i am working. and by "always" i mean "two out of the four days i've worked so far." and by "math lab" i do NOT mean "meth lab." anyway, i already kind of want to die whenever she walks in, just because trying to explain ANYTHING to her is merely an exercise in frustration and futility. and i'm always the only one in there who can help her, because she is taking statistics. math people don't take statistics. statistics is a HORRIBLE DEATH MONKEY. but i've taken probability, so i can pretend to understand stats.

the other day, i was checking the aforementioned lady's homework, and she had one problem messed up pretty badly, so i was like, "who taught you to do it this way?" and she was all, "oh, you know, that girl. red hair, thing in her lip." so i was just kind of like, "...." because THAT IS ME. and as far as i know, i am the only me in the math lab and i did not teach her that. and i can never tell if she is patronizing me or is really just that oblivious.

she is also in need of a graphing calculator, and she asked if i could see if anyone i knew might be selling one for cheap. because since i am a math person, i must know other math people. but, here's a secret: i don't! i like the professors, but i tend to dislike the other math students. there is a handful i like, but the rest are kind of a bunch of jerks.

my main goal for today was to not get dressed. but i guess i won't be accomplishing that, because my roommate wants me to go to dinner with her. so i better go put clothes on!

christopher showed me this. it might make you cry a little.