i found an artist you didn't use, james!
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. Enjoy!
Pick your artist: Danny Michel
Are you male or female: Who Cares
Describe yourself: Feather, Fur, & Fin
How do you feel about yourself: We’re Gonna Be Alright
Describe where you currently live: When I Get Out
If you could go anywhere you wanted to go: Thunder in the Mountain
Your favorite form of transportation: Midnight Train
Your best friend is: Perfect
Your favorite color is: Into The Flame
Favorite time of day: In Your Arms
If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: Whale of a Tale
What is life to you: Fireworks
What is the best advice you have to give: We All Fall Down
If you could change your name, what would it be: Black Tornado
Thought for the Day: I’m ’a Love You Anyway
How I would like to die: In The Belly of a Whale
My soul's present condition: The Valley of Doom
My motto: I Will Love You For Miles
i found an artist you didn't use, james!
this is the part where i fall apart.
i am not good at endings. they are my downfall, and as excited as i am to finish school and get the heck out of here, i am even more terrified of what comes after and it makes the worst of my anxiety come out again. there is so much to worry about but at the same time so much to be happy about that i can't decide how to feel, so i exist on an emotional continuum. at any given moment i could be anywhere between cowering panic and complete elation and the next moment i could be somewhere else entirely. it's exhausting.
my last entry was also my last night of alcohol and cigarettes. i quit drinking, i quit smoking, i quit everything. it was rough for a while. i liked being drunk because it made me feel like i could interact with people normally, like i had regular social skills, and it made me stop thinking about certain things, if only for a while. but i relied on it too heavily, and if not quite an alcoholic, i was definitely on the road there.
i quit sex, too, though i had one setback with that. there's this boy, a coworker, who i've had a crush on since i first happened to cross his path in a hallway one day. i admired him from afar last summer, and eventually i started to express my interest in my usual way, by initiating awkward conversations and inviting him to join me in activities such as pretending to be a t-rex. by winter training, he finally started to notice me back. we started to talk constantly, and one night i went to visit him in his room and stayed there until morning. for a week and a half we had this strange sort of pseudo-relationship, until he broke up with me by saying i am completely awesome but he just can't invest the focus and emotion and attention a relationship would require. two weeks later he was in a relationship with another girl and they are still together. it still stings every time i see him.
i had a second relationship this semester that was even shorter and more of a joke. he's liked me for a while and i avoided getting close to him, but i liked having him as a friend and eventually i couldn't avoid it any more so i agreed to be his girlfriend. i spent the next week evading him until i finally told him i couldn't do it. he's sweet but so young and i am so cynical and easily annoyed.
i should know better than to waste time on attempting relationships. i don't know anything about intimacy and it seems the only people i'd like to attempt it with have no interest in putting up with me. i probably will just be a hermit.
most of my life, all i wanted was to not be such a social outcast, to relate to other humans and understand how they interact. now i have scores of people clamoring over me, and i hate it. i hate the forced interest, the false admiration, the empty conversation. i hate that they think i am some sort of novelty, that my neuroses are cute and not something that makes getting up every day a struggle. i've almost always kept myself fairly secluded, but right now it's more from a conscious decision rather than frustrations and circumstance.
it's not so bad anymore, though. i don't know where my life is going but i'm worrying less about it and looking forward to the adventure. i'm planning a sort of road trip this summer, to face some of my fears and practice stepping outside of what i've become comfortable with. and to spend time with people who i know are like me in some ways.
school started on tuesday and i'm already exhausted. this may have something to do with the fact that i keep hanging out with people instead of sleeping at night.
i quit smoking again yesterday. and i probably lasted about six hours. then i went to my friend yuma's senior recital and found some of my smoker friends and they convinced me to have one when we left. and, you know, a few more later when we were sitting in yuma's basement. we went over to his house and i wasn't going to stay long because i had class the next morning, but then we started listening to his cd and had a dance party in the kitchen and i didn't get home until 3. i'm not sure if i want to see the pictures from that. i know for sure i do not want to see the videotape. if i knew exactly how ridiculous i looked when i did things, i would probably stop doing them. and that would not be much fun.
so i didn't go to class today. i woke up feeling not great, about half an hour after class started. first week of school and already skipping class. i am the best role model.
i'm going to quit smoking again now, though.
i think i drank expired orange juice today.
i like to write very bad poetry about myself and then read it in the middle of the night and say, "yes, that is what it is like."
i buy things compulsively. also impulsively. i am compelled to impulsively purchase things. i was talking to shaun about henry rollins, and he said he used to have a book by him, and i thought that was neat, so i went to amazon and bought three books by henry rollins.
there is nothing i like more than sitting in a small room all by myself.
i like being known but i don't necessarily like being liked. i wish i were more unlikeable.
when i was little, i imagined my life as a movie, starring me, so i always behaved as if there were a camera on me. sometimes, when i am alone, i still act for the camera.
after considering all the problems that sex has gotten me into, i have decided to stop sleeping with people.
i still don't know what i am doing with my life but that's ok.
i keep a dream journal. i think dreams are important.
i love to write. i am trying to write more.
i don't think i have ten friends to tag, but if you read this, consider yourself tagged.
so. back on campus, in my nice quiet dorm room. i went home for a while, a couple weeks of semi-solitude with mom and the kittens. it's kind of nice to go home, but mostly it just makes me kind of annoyed. i guess because i am not 19 anymore, but everything there is pretty much the same as when i was. i didn't really like being 19, and i don't really like being reminded of it.
i came back here a bit early because i really just want some time to close myself into my little room and not have anyone in my face for a couple weeks. that's all. i don't know why people find it so hard to understand, that i like being alone, that it is not boring, that i don't want to spend every minute with them. i've been back one day and already my room has been stormed and already i have to sit down and have that "i still don't want to date you" conversation. again. it's just so tiring, trying to explain myself, over and over, to people who supposedly know me well enough to like me. i'm just tired of dealing with people.
i'm gonna go throw out the rest of my orange juice.
today there was a blizzard. and i was looking forward to it because i wanted to just sit in my room by myself and have an excuse to be antisocial. but people won't leave me alone. and yeah it's my job to make sure you're doing alright, but it is not my job to help you study for finals or take apart your bed and carry it to storage or trek across the snow to answer questions you have about taylor series. but i do it anyway. because i'm a sucker.
i went and made myself a twitter page. in case you want to know what i'm doing at any particular moment? i don't really post much. and usually it's song lyrics.
friday was the end of semester math/computer science outing. dr rosenberg gave me a ride and then sat next to me while i drank giant margaritas and talked too loudly. then he gave me a ride home after everyone else had left. he makes me really happy sometimes.
i could write about a whole mess of things but it will be a while before i get a spare moment that is my own, so i have to push everything aside for now.
one more math assignment. two more papers. one more essay test. twelve more hours in the math lab. one more duty night. one final exam, a week from tomorrow. it's the final countdown.
only one more semester of this business.
what am i gonna do after that?
three more weeks. three weeks and i can leave and not care anymore and take a break for a month and then come back one last time to finish this shit.
thanksgiving was fantastic, at mary's house, with all the usual cast of characters and all the usual consumption.
i just got a call from an upset friend. so i'm going to go take care of that.
i have a crush on a boy in my math class and i kind of wish i didn't. i don't want to deal with feelings.
i logged into diaryland today, for old time's sake, and i was surprised to see that someone had updated, because no one really writes there anymore, and all she said was that she misses her old diaryland friends. and i agreed. there was a time when i had better relationships through online diaries than i did with anyone i knew outside of the internet. and i miss those people. they were beautiful. i have not lost all of them, and i have this urge to reconnect, to remember that closeness.
i need to plan my schedule for next semester. and i am going to try to do a lot less than i'm doing now because this is ripping my head apart. but i don't know what i can afford to quit.
i wish i had time to just not think about anything for a while.