i found an artist you didn't use, james!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. Enjoy!

Pick your artist: Danny Michel

Are you male or female: Who Cares

Describe yourself: Feather, Fur, & Fin

How do you feel about yourself: We’re Gonna Be Alright

Describe where you currently live: When I Get Out

If you could go anywhere you wanted to go: Thunder in the Mountain

Your favorite form of transportation: Midnight Train

Your best friend is: Perfect

Your favorite color is: Into The Flame

Favorite time of day: In Your Arms

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: Whale of a Tale

What is life to you: Fireworks

What is the best advice you have to give: We All Fall Down

If you could change your name, what would it be: Black Tornado

Thought for the Day: I’m ’a Love You Anyway

How I would like to die: In The Belly of a Whale

My soul's present condition: The Valley of Doom

My motto: I Will Love You For Miles

my sister julia called me today and she complained that she doesn't know what's going on in my life because i never write here anymore. i'm not very close to a lot of people, and i don't really disclose a lot even to those i am. not so much out of a desire for secrecy but more because i just don't communicate well. i am bad at interaction and there are a lot of things i don't know how to say so i just don't say them. i've been meaning to update more often, i've started countless entries, but my intentions and thoughts always change before i finish and the entire thing becomes invalid and i lose interest.

this is the part where i fall apart.

i am not good at endings. they are my downfall, and as excited as i am to finish school and get the heck out of here, i am even more terrified of what comes after and it makes the worst of my anxiety come out again. there is so much to worry about but at the same time so much to be happy about that i can't decide how to feel, so i exist on an emotional continuum. at any given moment i could be anywhere between cowering panic and complete elation and the next moment i could be somewhere else entirely. it's exhausting.

my last entry was also my last night of alcohol and cigarettes. i quit drinking, i quit smoking, i quit everything. it was rough for a while. i liked being drunk because it made me feel like i could interact with people normally, like i had regular social skills, and it made me stop thinking about certain things, if only for a while. but i relied on it too heavily, and if not quite an alcoholic, i was definitely on the road there.

i quit sex, too, though i had one setback with that. there's this boy, a coworker, who i've had a crush on since i first happened to cross his path in a hallway one day. i admired him from afar last summer, and eventually i started to express my interest in my usual way, by initiating awkward conversations and inviting him to join me in activities such as pretending to be a t-rex. by winter training, he finally started to notice me back. we started to talk constantly, and one night i went to visit him in his room and stayed there until morning. for a week and a half we had this strange sort of pseudo-relationship, until he broke up with me by saying i am completely awesome but he just can't invest the focus and emotion and attention a relationship would require. two weeks later he was in a relationship with another girl and they are still together. it still stings every time i see him.

i had a second relationship this semester that was even shorter and more of a joke. he's liked me for a while and i avoided getting close to him, but i liked having him as a friend and eventually i couldn't avoid it any more so i agreed to be his girlfriend. i spent the next week evading him until i finally told him i couldn't do it. he's sweet but so young and i am so cynical and easily annoyed.

i should know better than to waste time on attempting relationships. i don't know anything about intimacy and it seems the only people i'd like to attempt it with have no interest in putting up with me. i probably will just be a hermit.

most of my life, all i wanted was to not be such a social outcast, to relate to other humans and understand how they interact. now i have scores of people clamoring over me, and i hate it. i hate the forced interest, the false admiration, the empty conversation. i hate that they think i am some sort of novelty, that my neuroses are cute and not something that makes getting up every day a struggle. i've almost always kept myself fairly secluded, but right now it's more from a conscious decision rather than frustrations and circumstance.

it's not so bad anymore, though. i don't know where my life is going but i'm worrying less about it and looking forward to the adventure. i'm planning a sort of road trip this summer, to face some of my fears and practice stepping outside of what i've become comfortable with. and to spend time with people who i know are like me in some ways.

so i was walking across the street the other day, and i was on campus so i wasn't paying attention, because cars are required to stop for you and if you do end up getting hit you could get your tuition paid for and i'm all like, "sweet" so i never really look when i cross the street. and this big vehicle thing sped past me. then they pulled over, so they could yell, "why don't you walk a little slower next time?!" and i couldn't tell if it was someone i knew being a dink or a stranger being an ass. so i was all, "ok. i think i will."

school started on tuesday and i'm already exhausted. this may have something to do with the fact that i keep hanging out with people instead of sleeping at night.

i quit smoking again yesterday. and i probably lasted about six hours. then i went to my friend yuma's senior recital and found some of my smoker friends and they convinced me to have one when we left. and, you know, a few more later when we were sitting in yuma's basement. we went over to his house and i wasn't going to stay long because i had class the next morning, but then we started listening to his cd and had a dance party in the kitchen and i didn't get home until 3. i'm not sure if i want to see the pictures from that. i know for sure i do not want to see the videotape. if i knew exactly how ridiculous i looked when i did things, i would probably stop doing them. and that would not be much fun.

so i didn't go to class today. i woke up feeling not great, about half an hour after class started. first week of school and already skipping class. i am the best role model.

i'm going to quit smoking again now, though.

Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 random things, facts, goals, or habits about yourself. At the end, choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names & why you chose them. You can't tag a person who has tagged you.

ok.

i think i drank expired orange juice today.
i like to write very bad poetry about myself and then read it in the middle of the night and say, "yes, that is what it is like."
i buy things compulsively. also impulsively. i am compelled to impulsively purchase things. i was talking to shaun about henry rollins, and he said he used to have a book by him, and i thought that was neat, so i went to amazon and bought three books by henry rollins.
there is nothing i like more than sitting in a small room all by myself.
i like being known but i don't necessarily like being liked. i wish i were more unlikeable.
when i was little, i imagined my life as a movie, starring me, so i always behaved as if there were a camera on me. sometimes, when i am alone, i still act for the camera.
after considering all the problems that sex has gotten me into, i have decided to stop sleeping with people.
i still don't know what i am doing with my life but that's ok.
i keep a dream journal. i think dreams are important.
i love to write. i am trying to write more.

i don't think i have ten friends to tag, but if you read this, consider yourself tagged.

so. back on campus, in my nice quiet dorm room. i went home for a while, a couple weeks of semi-solitude with mom and the kittens. it's kind of nice to go home, but mostly it just makes me kind of annoyed. i guess because i am not 19 anymore, but everything there is pretty much the same as when i was. i didn't really like being 19, and i don't really like being reminded of it.

i came back here a bit early because i really just want some time to close myself into my little room and not have anyone in my face for a couple weeks. that's all. i don't know why people find it so hard to understand, that i like being alone, that it is not boring, that i don't want to spend every minute with them. i've been back one day and already my room has been stormed and already i have to sit down and have that "i still don't want to date you" conversation. again. it's just so tiring, trying to explain myself, over and over, to people who supposedly know me well enough to like me. i'm just tired of dealing with people.

i'm gonna go throw out the rest of my orange juice.

i have a new resident. she was an RA but she quit because it was too hard i guess. so now i get to have her as a neighbor and i get to have another resident to look after and i get to hear her voice pierce right through the cinder block wall between us.

today there was a blizzard. and i was looking forward to it because i wanted to just sit in my room by myself and have an excuse to be antisocial. but people won't leave me alone. and yeah it's my job to make sure you're doing alright, but it is not my job to help you study for finals or take apart your bed and carry it to storage or trek across the snow to answer questions you have about taylor series. but i do it anyway. because i'm a sucker.

i went and made myself a twitter page. in case you want to know what i'm doing at any particular moment? i don't really post much. and usually it's song lyrics.

http://twitter.com/dangerosive

friday was the end of semester math/computer science outing. dr rosenberg gave me a ride and then sat next to me while i drank giant margaritas and talked too loudly. then he gave me a ride home after everyone else had left. he makes me really happy sometimes.

today my boss informed me that the department is going to give me an $800 scholarship just for being so dang smart and awesome.

for serious.

i could write about a whole mess of things but it will be a while before i get a spare moment that is my own, so i have to push everything aside for now.

one more math assignment. two more papers. one more essay test. twelve more hours in the math lab. one more duty night. one final exam, a week from tomorrow. it's the final countdown.

only one more semester of this business.

crap.

what am i gonna do after that?

i'm working on an assignment. that was due a week ago but i never got around to doing it. because it's boring and i have to listen to two hour-long clips and write a reflection paper. and i don't want to. because it's boring and pointless and a waste of my time. but it's not like i was doing anything important tonight, so i decided to finish it.

three more weeks. three weeks and i can leave and not care anymore and take a break for a month and then come back one last time to finish this shit.

thanksgiving was fantastic, at mary's house, with all the usual cast of characters and all the usual consumption.

i just got a call from an upset friend. so i'm going to go take care of that.

my entire body is stiff and refuses to work the way i tell it to, i can't tell if it's my eyes that are foggy or just my glasses, and there is champagne in my hair. another weekend nearly over and i wonder what happened to getting a couple days of rest after another awful week. because that's what i always plan but rarely how it goes. i don't even know why my weeks are so awful. when i think about it, nothing that bad ever happens, everything is just wearing me down, on all sides, in all ways. and i really just want to take a break but i'm afraid that if i do i will lose whatever it is that's keeping me going.

i have a crush on a boy in my math class and i kind of wish i didn't. i don't want to deal with feelings.

boy i sure do like to pretend i'm a grown-up with a level head and all, but i can still fall into petty bickering so quickly. man. it's embarrassing. it's embarrassing how easily i can snap sometimes, how i can be put on edge by silly things and silly people. it's easy to be resentful when someone hates you in such an all-consuming way and it's easy to feel justified for being a bitch when they say shitty things to you. but this is pointless. it's not even arguing, it's just trying to be hurtful to each other and dang, how stupid is that? that is not the kind of person i want to be. so, i'm done. you can still comment if you want, i'm not going to stop you from saying whatever you want to say, but i won't turn it back around on you anymore. i'm tired of this resentment, so i'm letting it go, and maybe one day you'll actually confront me to my face, but feel free to flame me here in the meantime. also feel free to tell me what makes me such a hate-worthy person because i really am rather curious. i know i've done plenty of shitty things but i don't know what i did to you.

i guess some of us have run out of criticisms and it's back to calling me fat. and i have nothing to say that my readers haven't already said. i expected more.

i logged into diaryland today, for old time's sake, and i was surprised to see that someone had updated, because no one really writes there anymore, and all she said was that she misses her old diaryland friends. and i agreed. there was a time when i had better relationships through online diaries than i did with anyone i knew outside of the internet. and i miss those people. they were beautiful. i have not lost all of them, and i have this urge to reconnect, to remember that closeness.

i need to plan my schedule for next semester. and i am going to try to do a lot less than i'm doing now because this is ripping my head apart. but i don't know what i can afford to quit.

i wish i had time to just not think about anything for a while.

this is the third presidential election i have voted in, and the first one that has actually turned out the way i hoped. maybe it is a small thing for me, to feel as though i contributed and made a difference, but it is an enormous thing for all of us. when i think about it and read about it and hear about it, i could cry out of relief. we could change the world.

it's my duty weekend, which means i get to hang around campus and sit behind the front desk for five hours tonight and again tomorrow night and stare at stuff. i'm pretty happy about this, really. i am tired of doing stuff. i am tired of being around people and inevitably feeling awkward. i would say that i'm tired of getting drunk and having sex, but i'm really not. i probably don't always make the best choices, but i just like sex too dang much.

this semester has been so up and down that i don't even know how to talk about it. it's kind of cool because i am somewhat famous and i like attention, but i also get sick of it pretty quickly. i'm ready to just hide away and sleep for a couple days. it's so tiring being likable all the time.

i mean. not that i am arrogant or anything. i am just awesome is all.

sometimes i like to sit outside in the middle of the night and feel like i am the only person existing in this moment. except for the clerk sitting in the gas station across the street.

there is a skunk who likes to run around the field behind my building. i like to sit on the bench and wait for him. sometimes he is there, sometimes he isn't. tonight he was.

maybe i am a little stupid. maybe i sometimes let my temper get the best of me and react badly to things. maybe i am never quite sure of what i'm doing. maybe sometimes i look back and think i could have handled certain situations better. but when i'm sitting outside, the only person in this one moment, everything else melts away and none of it matters. i build so many walls around myself that sometimes i lose sight, of people, of the world, of me, of even the walls. i am not as cynical and misanthropic as i claim, i am just tired, of being hurt.

i just want to be the best person that i can, in this life, right now. and it's difficult, because i am not entirely sure what i mean by that, and these walls are so dang hard to tear down.

i wish i could talk the way i write, the way i think things. when i speak, it all comes out so jumbled and messy. i stumble over my words and my intent and i just prove how inept i am at dealing with people.

tonight i went out to dinner and told a girl i cannot date her. it was painful to watch myself say these things in such an awkward way. the drive back to campus was very uncomfortable.

part of me thinks i should feel bad for shooting people down like this, but really i am just glad i don't have to deal with it anymore.

i'm probably too misanthropic to successfully date anyone.

i just dumped soup down my pants. it's an amazing sort of day.

today in painting class, george told me he had a gift for me. it was a cucumber. he grew it himself? it was nice, because i like cucumbers.

also in painting, someone came up behind me and tickled my sides. it was someone i know, but that didn't stop me from seizing up in panic and then crying. most people don't really understand how tenuous my control of myself is. i can calm the inner anxiety, but only as long as people don't provoke panic from the outside. and sometimes i wonder if they do it on purpose because they know (or can guess at) my fears. and it is funny to watch me have a panic attack?

i've swallowed too many worries and fears, and now my body is vomiting them out, along with everything else i've put in my belly. today i had nothing to vomit, so i swallowed pills. and i can't get over this: i take these pills, and they release that stranglehold of fear, and i can finally let myself be me and talk to me again. and i wonder if there is a way to permanently strip down that fear. i know what makes it so prominent, i am just not strong enough to face it. and what if i do, so what? it doesn't change anything that's happened. but i can't stop my mind from churning.

i am still trying to deal with people being in love with me. two have asked me out to dinner this week. i don't want to go out with them, but i still say i will, mostly because i want to show them exactly who i am right now. i don't know what people are finding in me or how they are seeing it, but it can't be what i feel is there. i am lost inside my life, and i can't figure how people expect to find a place with me when i don't even know where i am. i have to be blunt. i have to say, "i don't have room for you. i am still trying to find room for me."

where do people find the time to lead typical lives?

i was going to go to the fair on friday, but i decided to sleep instead. i decided to sleep a lot this weekend, and i think it was a good choice.

i guess most of my residents have moved in, and i see them in the halls and sometimes i talk to a few of them. but the thing is, i kind of don't care. about them. at all. i mean, i do my job and help them when they need something, but i really don't care to pretend to be their friend.

my friend quota is full. seriously. there is no more of me to go around.

this is where my bipolar tendencies come in handy. i've circled back around to apathy and bitterness and a certain sense of detachment, when i don't really have a problem with saying, "yeah, i just don't want to spend any time with you." so, you know, that's actually working out pretty well for me.

i figured that going into this RA training would be a nice break from working 8 hours a day on summer staff. but apparently i figured wrong. i guess because i got offered this job at the last minute and had no idea what i was getting myself into? this is a demanding job, not quite so much physically, but in every other aspect. i work more and sleep less and most days i wish i was back with the summer staff, mindlessly toiling and not having to keep in mind about five million different things and trying to prepare my hall for the residents who are moving in next thursday.

i was pretty nervous at first, because i didn't think i would really get along well with the other RA's. i am not used to fitting in and being accepted and all that junk. i have met some pretty cool people, though. and some of them have firmly attached themselves to me. seriously. they want to spend every spare second together. i went home last weekend (because julia and dawn were up from california. hi guys!), and i kept receiving obsessive texts being all, "i miss your face, come back!" i don't know why it is that some people get so attached to me, but it freaks me out sometimes.

it has also come to my attention that two girls on the staff have become enamored with me. and...i am not really sure what to do about it. i will admit (to most people) that i like girls, but there are so many complications here and people are just going to end up getting hurt...since when did i become a heart-breaker?

and my friends from summer staff keep telling me how i am missed, and my friends from game are upset that i haven't been able to make it lately, and i don't even have time to give to sam. i am letting myself get pulled in too many directions again and i don't know how to stop it because i don't know how to let people down.

i am hoping things will calm down once school actually starts.

i did the ropes course last week. i was 35 feet in the air, harnessed to a guide-wire, walking across suspended logs and rope swings and crazy platforms. i had a major panic attack and almost choked on my fear, but i am pretty impressed with myself for actually doing it.

i can't remember the last time i slept more than five hours in a day. lately it has been less. i am running myself ragged again, and for no good reason.

i work with these twins, who are pretty adorable. and saturday was their birthday, so we had a party. the kind of party that starts with a poorly-executed, drunken game of capture the flag, somehow turns into streaking down a deserted highway, and ends with you having sex on the front lawn of your friend's parents' house. so, a pretty decent party. i would have liked to sleep after that, but i'm pretty sure that as soon as i curled up on my chair to pass out, i was woken up so we could get on the road for the warped tour. fun morning, that one. i don't normally get carsick, but man, i was trying my best not to barf towards the end of that one. keifer got us a little lost and we literally drove around in circles, on and off ramps, and i wanted to die. the first couple hours of being there, i was a walking zombie of tequila-hangover and severe anxiety. but, it got better. i got some anxiety pills before going and took a couple of those, and the feeling of death wore off after a while. i even felt well enough to stand in the middle of a crowd all pressed up against strangers enjoying music and NOT having a panic attack!

i missed mc chris's show, though. i seriously cried. the schedule we got when first arriving was apparently wrong and he played four hours earlier than i thought. i still feel like crying when i think about it.

i have a phone that works again. yayness! people can actually call me, and they can hear what i'm saying! mike called yesterday, and when i answered he was like, "oh wow!" he knew my phone was broken, but he still kept calling all the time anyway. he is silly like that.

i had a pretty awful panic attack at work today. i think i am still all strung out from the weekend and also not sleeping. today i just want to sit in my room and do absolutely nothing. i might even just stare at the wall for some time.

oh, so my interview went rather well and i am an RA. it was nice because i didn't care whether or not i got the job and was able to be an ass while being interviewed. when asked what i could contribute to the staff, my response was, "my awesomeness." training for that shit starts next monday, so this is my last week of summer staffing. i am pretty bummed about that, because i take my job too seriously and feel like i am abandoning everyone. but i'm not gonna lie. training is going to be a whole heck of a lot easier than working my ass off cleaning and painting and moving crap.

mike keeps trying to convince me to date his roommate kyle. mostly so he can then make fun of me for dating kyle. not that he's a bad guy, just awkward and inept, even moreso than most people i hang out with. but sometimes i think, maybe i should date kyle. it might be better than being alone. having random sex on people's lawns is fun and all, but sometimes i just really want a regular, not-fucked-up relationship. but i don't think i'd even know how to do that.

me: i can't find my scissors.
adam: maybe you shouldn't have lost them.
me: i didn't LOSE them.
adam: then what happened to them?
me: someone ate them.
chentu: i'm sorry...did you just say that someone ATE your scissors?
adam: she's a little weird, but you get used to it after a while.

so i was walking to work the other day, and my head boss, the guy who doesn't work with us but tells us everything we have to do, who kind of scares the pee out of me, pulls up next to me, leans out, and says, "i've got a proposition for you." and i was like, "...ok." then he offered me a job, as a resident assistant. i guess someone dropped out, and he was all, "i asked myself who would make a good RA...and i told myself, SARA. that's you." so i have an interview on friday. i think it would be hilarious if i actually got the job. i would be a terrible RA. i don't know what he was talking about. i don't even like most RA's. they are kind of assholes, and i would have to spend like two weeks before school with all the rest of them, doing "team building exercises" and "role playing" and "shooting myself in the face."

if the interview goes well, i might do it, though. it's a free room.

we had a pretty great time in motley. kyle and i got too drunk and argued all night, about grammar? and probably other things. that is just how we have conversations. we usually have the same point, we just have to argue about it. the weekend also involved a drive to brainerd while the boys built a deck, a bonfire, and a whole mess of kitties. and i guess there was a pig race in a nearby town, but we did not attend.

so i think my cell phone has finally taken the damage from that time i dropped it in a glass of water. the microphone part is dead. everything else works fine, i just can't actually TALK to anyone with it. which i guess is an important part of a phone.

tomorrow for work, instead of doing, you know, actual work, we are going to valleyfair. yes, we are getting paid to go on rollercoasters and eat carnival food and possibly throw up. it should be a pretty sweet day.

me (shaking up a bottle of home-made energy drink): it's a bit chunky on the bottom.
devin: YOU'RE a bit chunky on the bottom.

george: you jiggle when you walk.
me: .....
george: i meant your boobs jiggle, but i thought that would be rude to say.

and these are a couple of my best friends.

i apologize for escaping into reality so much these days. i don't mean to ignore my imaginary life, i just get swept up sometimes. i'll make sure to write a bit more often. but not right now. now i am about to leave, not for motley crue, but for the town of motley, and my sister, and her puppy and kitties. yes!